There’s a moment early on in Aly Raisman’s new Lifetime documentary, Darkness to Light, where the former gymnast sits down with #MeToo founder Tarana Burke. “We can’t live in our trauma every day and call that survival,” Burke tells her.
It struck Raisman, who has become a leading voice in the fight to end sexual abuse after coming forward with allegations against former Team USA doctor Larry Nassar. When she testified to the Senate Judiciary Committee last week, Raisman made sure to set aside time for dinner with her teammates who were also testifying. Together, they made a pact: No talking about the bad stuff. “Life is hard,” Raisman tells ELLE.com. “You need to remember to have moments of joy, because if you don’t have that, it can be really hard to survive.”
In Darkness to Light (premiering September 24), the three-time Olympic gold medalist meets with survivors from all over the country and hosts a roundtable with experts from organizations like RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) and Darkness to Light, a nonprofit that empowers adults to prevent child sexual abuse.
Below, Raisman talks about the importance of these kinds of support networks, the pressure of speaking up against “people who have a lot of power,” and how she makes time for joy.
One major theme you explore in Darkness to Light is the role support networks play for survivors. Where did you find your support network?
Having a community and a support system is so crucial, no matter what anyone is going through in life. I recognize not everyone has a support system, but I think it’s important for people to not give up until they find one. It’s so helpful. In life, there are so many ups and downs. Having the support of my teammates, but also knowing that they know how I’m feeling and knowing that they’ve been through similar things is really validating. It just helps me feel less alone. Sometimes you don’t even need to say anything. You just know that they understand you and you feel validated by them. I feel very lucky to have that, because I know a lot of people don’t feel they have that.
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Last week you testified in the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing on the alleged mishandling of the FBI’s investigation into Larry Nassar. How did you prepare for that?
It was different than anything we’ve done before, because it’s a lot of pressure to testify in front of senators when there’s so many cameras around and so many people watching. It’s really hard to prepare a testimony when you only have a certain amount of time to speak. It’s so personal, but also so much bigger than just you. It’s also very uncomfortable to speak out against the FBI. It was scary, because they are in such a position of power. Any time you speak up, it’s really hard. But I think it’s even more intimidating to speak up against people who have a lot of power. At the same time, what motivates me is knowing that this is unfortunately so much bigger than the four of us, and there are so many people out there that are struggling and suffering in silence. I feel very fortunate that we are being heard, supported, and validated.
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During the testimony you said people often don’t realize how much ”experiencing a type of abuse is not something that one just suffers in the moment; it carries on with them sometimes for the rest of their lives.” How do you balance being both an advocate and a survivor who is still on their healing journey?
When I speak up or even do an interview, it’s a lot of pressure. I recognize that a lot of survivors don’t have the platform that I have. So it is really hard, and I put a lot of pressure on myself. But at the end of the day, I try to focus on how fortunate I am to be heard and validated, because I know so many people don’t have that. But it’s very hard. I’m trying to figure out how to get to the point where I don’t overdo it or feel so triggered. It’s a work in progress, and I think the moments of being really triggered is actually how I learn where I need to set better boundaries. I’m learning as I go.
McKayla Maroney, Simone Biles, and Maggie Nichols also testified. Did you rely on each other for support?
The night before the testimony, we all had dinner together with our moms. It had been so long since we were all together, so we said, ‘Tomorrow is going to be so heavy, let’s just enjoy dinner.’ Why trigger ourselves if we’re just going to be triggered again the next day? When you have this pit in your stomach about something going on the next day, trying to have fun is really hard, but I think it’s important to give yourself and your friends permission to not talk about something if you don’t want to. The morning of the testimony, we were there for each other. We know each other so well, so I feel like I can tell how someone’s doing by just the look on their face. Just knowing that we had each other’s backs meant everything to us. After we testified, Angelina Jolie came over to say hi to us, which was really kind of her. To have that moment in the day was a nice distraction.
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What does justice look like to you?
We’ve been fighting for accountability for years. I reported my abuse over six years ago. It’s so much bigger than one abuser being put in jail. In order for us to believe in a safer future, we have to understand who knew what, and when. The people who wronged us have to be held accountable in order for us to have those answers. We have to have a complete independent investigation of the FBI, USA Gymnastics , and U.S. Olympic and Paralympic Committee—and looking at the interplay among all three of the organizations. Without that, there is no justice. The people who enable abusers have to be held accountable. It’s not just an abuser that’s the problem. It’s the systems and the people that enable it and allow it to happen.
It’s really disappointing that we as survivors have to keep reliving and telling our story over and over again, hoping that people will listen and do the right thing. Our society shouldn’t be set up like that. It shouldn’t be on the survivor to have to keep reliving their trauma to try to get people to do the right thing.
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How do you make time for self-care?
I recognize that tomorrow or this weekend, or even a few weeks from now, it might be a little bit harder for me. I might feel more drained than usual, because even though this stuff is really important, I’m human. It’s a very heavy subject to talk about, and it’s very personal. So I give myself permission to relax and make sure I’m creating time for myself to just rest. I find my moments of joy hanging out with friends, my puppy Milo, and my family. I enjoy playing tennis. I enjoy gardening, and going for hikes. Anytime I can unplug and feel truly myself, and surround myself with people who make me feel like myself, it’s a beautiful thing.
This interview has been lightly edited and condensed for clarity.
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