“What day is it,” asked Pooh.
“It’s today,” squeaked Piglet.
“Yes, I’m aware,” sighed Pooh. “But is there something special happening today? Perhaps related to shopping and/or gift-giving and/or living one’s best life?”
“Oh!” squeaked Piglet. “Yes! It’s Oprah’s Favorite Things day!”
“My favorite day,” said Pooh.
That’s definitely how the story goes, by the way. That was A. A. Milne’s first draft and then his editor was like “This is too good. This will make people too happy. Pull it back a little.” Truly a loss for humanity. A loss, I’d say, that can only be mitigated by filling up that empty space in our lives with the SEVENTY-NINE products that Oprah has decided we are worthy enough to hear about this year.
Oprah’s Favorite Things day is seriously the best day of my personal calendar year. I considered taking today off so that I could focus fully on what’s most important in my life: using the code “OPRAH” to save 20 percent on nearly 100 items that will make me a better person, align my chakras, and moisturize my t-zone. (These are not promises made by Oprah, but it is a by-product of having Oprah-approved merchandise arriving at my home in two to four business days. I can feel my Oprahness building and soon I will be invincible!)
I love everything about Oprah’s Favorite Things day. I love shopping! I love being told what to buy by the only person who has better taste than I do! I love the idea of buying SEVENTY-NINE presents for anyone! Like, who has that many friends? I love the reality of buying SEVENTY-NINE presents for me! (Another pressure cooker for Eric! My entire kitchen is pressurized. My food is under about as much stress as I am and it’s delicious!)
I also love that Oprah successfully booked yet another cover of O, the Oprah Magazine. Every month I pick up the magazine and I say “Self” (meaning myself, not Self the magazine; this is always confusing. NEVERTHELESS!) “Self,” I say, “wouldn’t it be wonderful if Oprah was on the cover of O, the Oprah Magazine again?” And then I respond, “Yes, but can life really be that good and kind?”
The answer is yes! Yes, it can in this one specific, Oprah-related instance.
I’m obsessed with this Christian Siriano dress. I want to wear it to every party, baby shower, and wedding so that everyone knows that my presence is a present.
Oh! Presents! I almost forgot the reason for the season: Oprah’s Favorite Things! This list is crucial for me because until it arrives I have no idea what I want. I just sit here, a blank slate of aimless desire, waiting to be shown the light.
Me to me:
Let’s take a look at Eric’s Favorite Oprah’s Favorite Things 2019!
Skeem Design Fireplace Match Cloches
Okay, first of all, I have never heard the word “cloche” in my entire life so I’m already fully screaming. Top of my lungs. Freaking out. CLOCHE! Second of all, I do not have a fireplace because I am afraid of Santa Claus and Bert from Mary Poppins. Despite all of that I am obsessed with these little bottles that hold matches for you! I’ve just been throwing my matches all over the place! What a revelation!
Courant Catch:2 Multi-Device Wireless Charger
This is one of those things that charges your phone when you lay your phone on top of it which is a) very cool and b) terrifying to me. This thing is just pumping out power and somehow it knows how to talk to the power center in my phone? Yikes! But also yes please. Yikes please! Do I understand how it works? No, but I also don’t understand how my ice cream maker works and that has yet to take over my home and imprison me so I’m just going to just go for it!
Spot the Dog ‘The Flip’ and ‘Puppy Plaid’ Reversible Bandana
What’s better than a well-dressed doggo?! A well-dressed doggo with a reveal! Does this come in human size? Irrelevant; I’ll wear the dog size. It’s no problem.
The Architecture of Trees
The title of this book sounds like an independent film starring Cate Blanchett that I will absolutely sob at so already I’m in. Apparently it’s a “421-page love letter to trees” which is definitely not a thing I thought I needed but now I don’t know how I lived without it. BRB, gotta go harangue my beloved into writing me a 422-page love letter. Can be bested by a branch! Not on Oprah’s Favorite Things Day!!!
Creative Co-Op Set of Two Brie Bakers with Wood Spreaders
This is the pinnacle of Oprahness, the livingest, bestest life. The sole function f this brie baker is to bake brie and I am OBSESSED!!! No longer must I suffer a life of unbaked brie! This is the best day in of the year!